I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
