Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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