I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
