Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
