mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Randomize
