I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
