theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
