I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
