remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize