have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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