Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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