Someone shit on the floor
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
