that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
