in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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