I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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