just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
