I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
