I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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