I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
