Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
