Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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