3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
