my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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