just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
