i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
