all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
false alarm, still single
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
