mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize