i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
