OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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