Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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