You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
