I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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