those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
