remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
