You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
