Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
