I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
