lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
