I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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