Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
