i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
