Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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