I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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