help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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