I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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