We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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