the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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