Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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