Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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