So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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