What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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