since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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