Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
