using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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