it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You took a bar mat shot.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
