when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
